Letting Go of the Reins: A New Year’s Resolution

As the new year approaches I am reminded of the long and ubiquitous tradition of making New Year’s resolutions. Some sources date this individual annual proclamation to the late 1700s or even earlier; I suppose it’s reassuring to know that throughout human history, no one has ever really had it “all together” at the year’s end. In my experience, implementing these (often lofty) plans for self-improvement and positive change have been difficult for me and generally short-lived. And like clockwork, entering into my thirty-first year of life, this inherent desire to do things better is felt in the ticktocking of the clock which will inevitably strike midnight once again.

For the chemist, “resolution” is the separation of distinct components which were once dissolved together. For the photographer, it is the determining factor of an image’s visual quality. For the peacemaker, it is the truce in an unwelcome dispute and an end to the horrors of war. For the lawmaker, it is a written measure oftentimes turned into law. Based in its Latin roots, the word “resolution” means “a release, a loosening, a breaking into parts, a transformation into simpler form.” In other words, that which is awaiting “resolution” is simultaneously that which is tied down, tightly entangled, firmly held together, elaborately contained. I can’t help to wonder, then, if my unsuccessful attempts at accomplishing the all-too-coveted New Year’s resolution year after year are a result of a misguided focus- one that too often rests in an deep-seated desire for control and self-reliance.

In a world that often defines and glorifies a freedom and personal change rooted in autonomy, control, independence, and self-reliance, the deeper meaning of the word “resolution” can sound rather foreign and even unattractive. In what way could entering the new year “letting go of the reins,” “disintegrated,” and “simplified” be truly freeing and transformative to the self?

Over the past few months I have been blessed with the opportunity to “let go of the reins,” dis-integrate, and simplify my life. I can attest that going through the formation and preparation program with Mission Doctors Association as a candidate for long-term service has been one of the most sincere experiences of freedom in my life thus far. At first glance, the prospect of living in South Los Angeles, sharing a home with strangers, having a weekly food allowance, abiding by a schedule of daily classes and prayer, and being responsible for cooking and cleaning for a group all seemed like a daunting task. In the end, by briefly stepping away from the many distractions of my life and relinquishing some degree of control, I learned more about God, myself, and others than I ever could have anticipated. In the short span of four months, the once undesirable-to-me Los Angeles became my comfortable home, strangers became my close friends, only occasionally spending time with God became a daily encounter, growing in self-awareness, self-compassion, and empathy and compassion for others became a demanding everyday job, incessant noise and activity became silence and rest, talking became listening, the mundane activities of everyday life became a form of prayer, and God’s once-masked purpose for me became the clear hope for my life. 

To say that a loss of autonomy, control, independence, and self-reliance would lead me into greater freedom is an understatement. Perhaps it is not the freedom rooted in power and control that allows us to succeed in carrying out our New Year’s resolutions; perhaps it is the freedom rooted in humble simplicity and fearless, trustful surrender that truly brings about the change we seek in life.

This transformation is always a work in progress. It is a painting not yet finished, a canvas scattered with undesired blemishes, indiscernible impressionistic dots, artistically revealed scenes of symbolism and still life, and tones of heavy darkness layered with gradients of extraordinary brightness. My blog titled “Strokes of a Pilgrim Paintbrush” is a tribute to God’s role as the master painter. As He continues to direct me, His paintbrush, on this pilgrimage of life, I hope to continue to discover the truth, beauty, and goodness of every one of His colorful and intended brushstrokes. Through my blog, I hope to share with you the experiences and people that unveil His work in my life- His art of Creation and of friendship with the human person- as I serve as a volunteer doctor in Peru for the next three years. 
And as I prepare to leave for Peru at the end of January, I am reminded of my long and often unsuccessful tradition of making New Year’s resolutions. Only this year, I hope to focus on welcoming the next three hundred and sixty-five days with less power and control, and like a paintbrush, with more dependence and simplicity.

My hope and prayer for all of us this year is that we experience true resolution in our lives- a release of the heavy chains that continue to tether us down, a loosening of the knots in which we have found ourselves so cumbersomely entangled, a breakdown of those deeply entrenched walls and barriers that require of us greater understanding, humility, and forgiveness, and a transformation of the false self made unnecessarily complex by the things of this world into the true self simply complex by nature of being human. My hope is that when next New Year’s Eve approaches, the “tick” and “tock” of the clock rings less with the sounds of doubt and control and more with the sounds of faith and trust.

“The soul that is attached to anything, however much good there may be in it, will not arrive at the liberty of divine union. For whether it be a strong wire rope or a slender and delicate thread that holds the bird, it matters not, if it really holds it fast; for until the cord be broken the bird cannot fly.” 

~ St. John of the Cross

A view of the small chapel within the Mission House in Los Angeles. The reflection of the stained glass windows in the afternoon was often a daily occurrence and a regular reminder to allow God’s light to shine through us.

Commissioning Mass on December 11, 2022.

Mark, Susan, and I made our vows before God and the community, received rings as a symbol of our commitment, and were blessed by the Church on the third Sunday of Advent as we prepare for 3 years of service in different parts of the world. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

A view from Griffith Park in Los Angeles. On a clear day, one can see the Pacific Ocean to the west, snow-capped mountains to the east, and the towering skyscrapers of Downtown. LA is more than freeways and traffic!

A beautiful sunset near my home of Santa Maria on the Central Coast of California where I will be staying with family until I leave for Peru at the end of January. In its resolution, the photo serves as a constant reminder of the water, salt, and light that abundantly cover the Earth.